At Parent Help we receive many calls on our Helpline from parents who are frustrated that they do not know what they can do right at the moment when their child’s anger and frustration explodes, often at a time or place that makes it even more difficult to deal with, such as at the supermarket.
Children’s brains are not sufficiently developed to respond to frustration and loss in a logical and reasoned manner: at this stage their brains are wired so that emotions such as frustration are often expressed as anger. Anger is not the primary feeling, but is their response to the way they are feeling.
Children are also learning how to deal with situations by following the examples of their closest caregivers. As a caregiver, are you able to stand back and remain calm or do you find yourself also getting angry? When we ‘lose it’ we need to be able to stop, take a breath and calm ourselves down, before expecting our children to calm down.
So what can be an immediate response to a child throwing a tantrum? It may be different for each situation and depends so much on the caregiver, the child (age and nature), and circumstances. At Parent Help we believe there are some general principles that have been proven successful and can be adapted to suit the circumstances.
- Acknowledge the child’s emotions and concerns are valid, but maintain that their behaviour is not acceptable. This may need a firm voice, reiterating clear rules that have been consistently laid down before. Then apply consequences.
- Remove the child to a safe place, or remove yourself from the child (always ensuring that they are safe, but that they are not going to get a response from their negative behaviour). Let them play with or do something they enjoy to distract them and promote self soothing. At a supermarket this may mean removing both yourself and the child outside to let them cool down.
- Once the child has calmed down to a point where they are ready to re-engage then provide the positive loving contact that the child wants, often saying “when you are calm we can have a cuddle and talk”. While they are angry they are unlikely to want cuddles.
Only after the child is calm and positive contact has been restored can you begin the talk about what was happening that made your child so angry, and let them know that it is ok to get angry but that we need to do it without hurting others.
